Strength

I have always viewed strength as never giving up.  I viewed a strong person as someone who keeps pushing throught no matter what life throws at them.  Through this experience I have redefined what strength means to me.

Strength does not always manifest itself in the sense of not giving up.  Sometimes strength is the abiliy to take control of a situation; the ability to stand up for oneself.  Strength is the ability to try something new knowing that it may or may not work out.  Strength is being satisfied with an experience even when it's not what you expected.  Strength is being the bigger person and walking away with your head held high.

With that being said, I have had the strength to make the decision to come home.  I was hopeful that being changed to Matium was the solution to the problems I had been having.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  Yesterday was the worse day I have had since coming here.  I have never felt more disrespected or taken advantage of then I did yesterday.  My cotacher, who was also from America, did not view me as a valuable asset to the classroom.  To him, I was just some kid who had to prove herself.  I was just someone to make his job easier but taking on majority of the work.  I was disrespected in front of my students and that is not something I will stand for or allow to happen again.

I am the type of person that HATES confrontation.  However, after my experience here I have discovered that sometimes confrontation is needed.  It doesn't need to be a screaming match or pointing blame, but when no one will tell you how they truly feel to your face problems arise.  Miscommunication has been the foundation of so many of my problems here.  This is something easily fixed; simply communicate with me! Talk to be about the good, the bad, and the ugly of my teaching.  Talk to me to help me improve; give me constructive feedback.  Sadly, that is not part of the culture here.  Everyone has to keep face and smile and nod at any question that is asked.  If this wasn't the case, maybe my experience would had turned out differently.  

I do not know what the future holds for me back home.  But I do know I have the total support of my family and friends.  This wasn't an easy decision but the one that I truly believe is best for me.  

For a reason that I do not know at this time, staying here for an extended time was not part of God's plan for me.  I am hopeful and excited to see what else He has in store for me this upcoming year.  Plese keep me in your prayers as my new job search has begun! 

Expectations. Reality. Change.

Before coming to Thailand, I was told what to expect.  I was given a picture of what this experience would be like.  I knew that it was impossible to know exactly what I was getting into or exactly how the next 10 months were going to play out, but it was comforting to have a sense of how it would all be.  Unfortunately, these expectations and perceptions have not been the reality of my situation.

I expected the other foreign teachers to be in like me. Not all of them but at least some. I found myself to be the only Westerner right out of college doing this as a first job.  I also expected the other foreign teachers to be more culturally diverse.  There are about 20 teachers in the English Program.  Two are Thai, one Russian, two from London, one from Germany, one from Australia and the rest are Filipino.  All the other western teachers have been in Thailand for a few years and are established, some even married with kids.  No one else in that group has just moved here.  The Filipino teachers are all somehow related whether it be nieces or nephews or cousins.  They also are live in the same area together. There a three new Filipino teachers, but they didn't come here alone in the sense that I did.

With the Filipinos making up the majority of the foreign teachers, they "run the show".  They teach using the strategies and techniques they learned in school and band together and support each other. I was paired with a Filipino teacher for each my grades to coteach with. The first week of teaching I laid low, and observed how they taught and followed suit until I had a better understanding on how everything worked.  My second week, I started changing how things were taught. I used my background and utilized strategies that would help the students succeed as much as possible. The Filipinos did not take this well and tension grew between my coteachers and I.

I taught in the Mini English Program for four weeks and it just wasn't the right fit for me.  I felt I was being watched under a microscope and ended each day feeling discouraged.  I was doing my best to teach using research based strategies for ELLs but without the support of my coteachers or my principal this was a difficult task. 

Not ready to through in the towel quite yet, I talked with the head priest about my concerns and told him I was considering coming home.  He was unhappy with how things had been going for me in the Mini EP and wanted to try to make this experience work, just as I do.  His suggestion was to switch the building I teach in. Starting Monday, I will be teaching in the Matium, or high school.  I will be teaching seventh, eighth, and ninth grade.  My focus will be on conversational English (if I understood correctly).

I met with my new principal on Friday and unfortunately his English wasn't much better than my last principal.  I was unable to meet my coteacher, he is also from America, and did not receive any curriculum, book, or course outline to know what it is I'm suppose to be teaching.  Once again I recieved no orientation or really any guidance and my first class is first period Monday morning.  I am a little worried about teaching the older grades.  I do not have as much experience with this age range.  I know that no school is ever going to be perfect with no flaws at all, but I have found a new and deeper appreciation for the American school system. 

I was suppose to be leaving this evening to make my first visa run to Laos.  This would had cost me around $200 and taken almost four days.  I have instead decided to extend my tourist visa for another 30 days.  It only cost me $35 and took around 2 hours.  I did not want to put the time and money into switching my visa if this does not work out for me. The church has also graciously allowed me to extend my stay in their retreat house free of charge. Like the visa, I don't want to put money into an apartment until I know if I'm staying or going.

Right now, I am taking everything one day at a time. I am also being sure to take advantage of all Hua Hin has to offer due to the uncertainity of my length of stay.  I continue to ask for your prayers and support during this upcoming month. I am doing my best to discern what it is a God's plan for me through all of this and continue to make all my family and friends proud.

Creating a Home

No one said moving abroad would be easy.  Easy was not a word I used when describing my decision to move to Thailand.  There have been very few things about this expereince that can be described as easy... it's a good thing I love challenges and am stubborn.  I rarely quit and see most things to the end.  That being said, I have spent these past few days doing my best to create a home away from home here.

Before moving here, I never realize how easy it was to make friends at home or how many opportunities I had that led to friendships.  I've never been the most outgoing person or the greatest at making friends but I can confidently say that the friends I do have are the best and I'm blessed to have them in my life.  

Think about your friendships and the closest friends you have.  Chances are you met because you have something in common.  You went to school together, played on a team together, belonged to the same club, worked together etc.  Now, no one is best friends with everyone in their school or on their sports team but these people provide familiar faces.  The similar interest is enough to be friendly and have short converstaions with.  Once you get to know that larger group of people, you relate to maybe one or two in a greater depth.  These are the ones who become your best friends.

I'm not going to school here.  I'm not playing on a sports team.  I don't have (somewhat forced) interaction with others with similar interest besides from 8am-4pm when I'm at school (even then interaction can be limited and not always positive; that's enough for whole other post or two).  At first, I was so discouraged by this that I was ready to get on a plane and return home.  I wanted to return home to what was familiar and easy.  Like I said though, I am stubborn.  It's going to take more than a few nights of feeling desperately homesick to get me to leave.

I am starting to make myself have interactions with others outside of school.  I signed up for a yoga class! I had my first one on Monday and loved it.  There were seven other people in the class, none of whom spoke English, but it was still human interaction.  It was more productive then sitting in my room alone.  I may not have spoken more than a few sentences to other people but I was physcially surrouned by other people.  Yoga class gave me something to look forward and maybe even more imporantly "killed time".  I wasn't staring at my watch waiting for an appropriate time to walk to dinner or an appropriate time to go to bed.

Yoga class is step one to Hua Hin becoming home.  Step two will be finding my own place.  Disappointingly, I was unable to look at places this past weekend like I had hoped.  I have a Thai friend who was suppose to take me but his contacts for various places didn't all get back to him.  It is a very "Thai thing" for plans to fall through and for things to get completed at the very last minute.  That's the opposite of the type of person I am so I am doing my best to adjust for this.  For now, I am staying at the retreat house and I am gracious for the Salesians hospitality but am anxious and (I think) ready to get a place I can call my own.

Yoga class may seem like a small commitment and a tiny step but for me it was more than that.  I had the option to pay for a drop in class and try it out before I signed up and paid for a month of classes.  I chose just to do the month of classes without trying it out.  I was pretty confident that I wouldn't hate yoga itself.  I was worried that if I didn't leave the class with a new friend that I would become discouraged and not go back.  And well, that happened.  I didn't leave the class with any new friends but I'll be in class tomorrow and all the classes for the next month.  I paid for it so you best believe I'll get my money's worth. (I can thank my dad for that attitude.) And like I said, I loved my first yoga class and the instructor was great. 

Just like my yoga skills will take time to grow, so do friendships, and so do homes.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated at the fact that these things take time.  I wish I could grab my phone and text someone asking if they want to grab dinner like I was able to do during college.  I wish I ran into a familiar face at the mall.  When these things discourage me, I realize that I haven't been here long enough to make friends or become a familiar face to someone.  I want these things to come true and to happen.

I can't quite call Hua Hin home yet but I no longer feel that I am visiting.  The day will come though that I do create a home for myself here. 

And Then There Was One

The Gannon group left today after lunch to spend a few days in Bangkok before heading home.  The retreat house is empty with me being it's only occupant.  The kitchen has been cleaned, and the locust seem extra loud tonight.

I have not felt homesick until now.  I knew this would happen when the group left.  I went from having multiple people to hang out with to having one contact in my phone and feeling lonely.  I am doing my best to stay positive.  I know the Gannon group leaving does have its perks.  The other foreign teachers will begin to respect me more now that my security blanket is gone and I will be foreced to be more independent.  My inner strength is going to be tested and hopefully I pass.  

While teaching has gone pretty well this week, it has been a tough week emotionally.  If you're unaware, my grandma has been fighting cancer for around three and a half years.  When I left home two weeks ago, the plan for her care was a surgery.  Since then, my grandma has decided not to have the surgery and has begun to receive in-home hospice care.  I am happy for my grandma that she is finally comfortable and not in pain and respect her decision.  When I found out, I was ready to pack up my bags and get on the next plane home.  There's still a part of me that wants to head home becuase of this but I know I am making my grandma proud by being here and that she doesn't want me to come home and miss out on this opportunity.

I had support right next door to help me process the news and talk through my options.  While I still have the support, they are no longer a few feet away.  The closest I can get to a face-to-face conversation is skype or facetime.  I feel very lonely right now.

Not only did I tell myself this would happen at this part in my time here, but others warned me about this too.  I'm hoping to kick this feeling quickly and start to feel at home again. I've felt homesick before but never quite like this.  Being surrounded by more people who I can't speak with than people who do speak English is tricky and frustrating when I don't have English speaking friends all around experiencing the same thing and feeling as me.

When you read this post please say a prayer for me.  I'm not throwing in the towel and I'm not giving up.  This is just a speed bump on my way to success.  

First Days of School

My school day begins at 7:40am (6:40pm Pittsburgh tim) at the flag ceremony.  This is an outdoor ceremony where the students gather to begin their day.  A few prayers are said, teachers and students are greeted, and the school day begins.  At 8:00am the students have a 30 minute vocabulary lesson.  I am sharing teaching responsibility for this with my second grade co teacher who is from the Philippines. Today, I taught the students vocabulary related to American breakfast foods.  They now all want to try pancakes and bacon!

The classes last 50 minutes.  I am teaching first, second, and third grade Reading and Speaking.  My co teacher teaches them Grammar and Writing.  When teaching, there are three teachers in the room: 1) me, 2) my co teacher for that grade, and 3) a Thai teacher to handle discipline of the students. The students are extremely talkative.  It is hard to get them to remain quiet for longer than 2 or 3 minutes at a time.  This is going to the toughest thing for me to adjust to.  The class sizes are also larger than what schools aim for in the states.  An average class size is 40-45 students.  I teach anywhere between 3-6 classes each day.

Being a first year teacher has its struggles.  I am experiencing many of the same challenges that I would be experiencing as a first year teacher in the states.  I feel that I am being closely watched to ensure that I perform up to everyone's expectations.  I am the only teacher in the English Program (EP) that is from the states, which also means I am the only native English speaker.  Majority of the other English teachers are from the Philippines.  There is one from England, one from Germany, and one from Norway. In the Mini EP, where I'm teaching, all the other English teachers are from the Philippines.  The other English teachers teach grades fourth, fifth, and sixth. 

My first day was rough.  Any communication with my co teachers was limited and brief.   I felt unprepared and overwhelmed at many times during the day.  I now have three days of teaching under my belt and am feeling better about teaching at Vitthayalai School.  I am beginning to get to know the students and the reading levels they are on.  Communication has also improved between my coteachers and I.  I know the challenges are far from over but I know that I can do this and do it well.  I was born to be a teacher and I'm not going to let a few speed bumps get in the way.

First Impressions

Nearly 40 hours later, we made it to Hua Hin, Thailand!  All travel went smoothly and as planned.  I knew the 13 hour flight from Detroit to Tokyo was going to be long but wow! I'm glad I won't be sitting on a plane again for that long for awhile.

Throughout the day yesterday, various group members asked me how I was feeling and to be honest, it didn't sink in that I was moving abroad until we landed in Bangkok airport and got our luggage.  At that moment, all I felt was excitement to see where I would be teaching for the next 10 months and to meet new people.  

Walking through Bangkok airport, it was obvious that our group was definitely the minority.  I didn't feel uncomfortable about this.  Instead, I found it to be intriguing.  The more signs I walked by in a language I can't read, write, or speak (yet), the more my curiosity and wonder grew.  I felt awake and alert even after all those hours of travel.  I had a sense of accomplishment that I didn't back out and was standing in the country that will be my home away from home.

I'm very glad that my first feelings getting off my last plane were that of excitement and wonder.  I know that when these feelings will continue to grow and deepen, there are going to be times where I feel that I'm in over my head and I will second my decision of teaching abroad.  Those times will be difficult but I am certain that my feelings of excitement will outweigh the feelings anxiety and despair. 

Today will be my first full day of living in Hua Hin.  The plans for the day include taking a tour of the school and opening a Thai Bank Account for myself.  My first contract date is Monday, June 1 which happens to be a holiday and a day of no school.  I am unsure if I'll be getting my assigned room today or on Tuesday.  If I don't begin teaching today, I will be joining the Gannon group on a trip to the elephant sanctuary and crossing "riding an elephant" off my bucket list!  I'll post some pictures of the school next week!  

What's in the Bags

I. HATE. PACKING.  Packing is my absolute least favorite part of traveling.  I am a chronic over-packer and always bring clothes I never wear.  I was not looking forward to having to pack for 10 months abroad. I found out though, at least personally, packing for long term travel was easier! There's no need to decide on only 2-3 dresses… you bring them all and it's justified because of the length of travel!!  

People have asked what all I was bringing and what kind of luggage I had decided to take.  I'll break it down with what exactly is in each bag.

Green Bag: 70L Pack, 33 pounds (checking bag)

• beach towel
• shirts (8 v-neck/crew neck, 2 tank tops, 1 chambray, 1 long sleeve)
• large cross body purse
• small sling-back backpack
• pants (1 soft pant, 1 jogger pant)
• dresses (2 maxi, 6 short)
• bras (5)
• underwear (20)
• jewelry roll up
• baseball hat
• shorts (7 pairs)
• shampoo
• conditioner
• body wash
• face wash
• toothpaste (2 tubes, I'm picky about toothpaste)

Purple Bag: 48L Pack, 23 pounds (checking bag)

• shoes (Birkenstock sandals, Toms, Nikes, Chacos)
• sport bras (3)
• running shorts (2, I had more packed originally but they were cut first when I started to run out of room)
• t-shirts (7)
• swimsuits (2 one-pieces, 5 tops, 2 bottoms)
• scarves (2, plan to but more over there! My mom is happy I'm leaving most of mine home so she can borrow them)
• toiletries case (contacts, prescriptions, deodorant (2), body spray)
• cardigans (9, My shoulders have to be covered for teaching along with some restaurants and temples.)
• razors (2 packs)
• bath towel (1, originally had 2 but needed room for more clothes instead)

Orange Bag: 28L Pack, 11 pounds (carry on)

• changes of clothes (1 dress, 1 pair of shorts, 1 shirt)
• boat shoes
• travel size liquids
• snack bag (2 boxes of granola bars and peanut butter crackers)
• power cords for everything
• iPad and keyboard
• travel wallet 
• medicine bag
• makeup bag
• glasses
• sunglasses (2 pair - 1 nice, 1 cheap)
• camera and additional lens
• portable charger
• clipboard/folder/notepad 
• neck pillow
• travel blanket
• reusable water bottle

There was about a laundry basket full of clothes that I originally wanted to pack but didn't make the final cut when I had to start cutting back to get everything to fit.  It only took 3 times of packing, unpacking, and repacking for me to be satisfied with what all was packed and how it was all packed!  

I leave from Buffalo airport tomorrow morning at 10:00am! Thanks for all the support, prayers, and well wishes! My goal is to blog around once a week when I'm abroad. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts!